The Unmentionables

After giving up my prideful attitude that I would not associate with any organization that has a direct relationship with Dell Inc., I've spent the last two days in a "career transition" workshop at a private career services center that was paid for by Dell in my severance package. The skills I took away from the class might help in clearly identifying my objectives, but moreover it gave me a structured chance to daydream. I had an amusing thought while sitting among my unemployed cohorts. "I wonder how different my resume would look if I was required to report every job I've ever held." It might look something like this:

Name
Address
Phone Number
Email
Webpage

SUMMARY: Integrity driven marketing specialist with extensive experience in pizza production and delivery (with always growing potential when delivering to strip clubs), nacho cheese warmer maintenance, and nauseating country and western radio programming. Desire to be part of a creative team that will not apply physical abuse in training, invite to be an active member of a homosexual suaree ,or reprimand for holding distance contests to project new stock across store after hours.

EXPERIENCE:
SNACK BAR ATTENDANT, Wentzville Public Pool, Wentzville, MO, Sophmore Year of HS
Assisted inpatient children in narrowing down snack decisions by positioning popular food items when asked "What can I get fo' this muuch?!" Enjoyed the view of countless bikini clad coeds from my high school, thrown against a cooler by aggressive female coworker with rage issues when suggested she clean the nacho cheese warmer in a different, more efficient way.

SALES ASSOCIATE, Bugle Boy Factory Outlet, Wentzville, MO, Junion Year of HS
Quickly promoted through advance skills in scanning clothes across scanner and in turn conveying appropriate product total. Trained and informed new associates that "just scanning" was not process enough, you must also follow by hitting the "TOTAL" button to give accurate pricing. Held nightly contests, casually titled "who can kick the new polos or corduroys further across the stock room," developed character personas for each of the Bugle Boy jeans line.

DISC JOCKEY, Z101 FM, Troy, MO Senior Year of HS
Developed a saccharine sweet, once a week, country love songs program for the late night shift at St. Louis county radio station. Often dedicated songs to girlfriends or crushes and attempted to avoid creepy seasoned disc jockey in the prior shift who openly read and gawked at the newest issues of various pornographic magazine.

PIZZA DELIVERY AND ASSEMBLY ASSOCIATE, Imo's Pizza, Wentzville, MO, Senior Year of HS
Dart to and from restaurant delivering pizzas, pastas and beer to, on a good day, the projects, trailer parks and the local strip club. Frequently won the wrestling match that ensued when delivery request for local strip club appeared.

AIRPORT SIGN HOLDER, Nashville International Airport, Nashville, TN Freshman Year of College
Held sign with large arrow for 8 hours that said "This way"

RETAIL OUTLET INTERIOR DESIGNER, DKNY, Lebanon, TN Freshman Year of College
While assembling countless clothing racks and unloading merchandise listened to aspiring songwriters convey their hopes from moving from temporary work to "making millions on music row."

FUNDRAISING AGENT, AL GORE 2000 Presidental Campaign, Nashville, TN Senior Year of College
While wearing a wired headset that dialed endless phone numbers of Tennessee residence, begged for donations to a pre-Inconvenient Truth, and very lifeless, Al Gore campaign. Diligently deflected homosexual advances by flamboyant director that eventually led to his resignation and political demise.

ACCOUNT MANAGER, Bluestar/Covad Communications, Nashville, TN First Job out of College
Effectively provided service for the expansion of Voice Over IP technology to customers but had no idea what our technology actually did or offered. Sat across from associate who kept a glass enclosed, faux, made-for-Christ, crown of thorns proudly displayed on monitor, that I would later attempt to convince actually glowed and spun in circles after she went home the night.

A Rare Appearance or "Deja New"

It has been longer than I can remember since I updated my blog. The truth is, as most people know by now, is that I, like far too many Americans, got laid off recently. I think I've gone through all the stages of emotion, but mainly I avoided my blog out of embarrassment. I really didn't want to go into all the details and humiliation of what it is like to lose your job when you least expect it. I had actually written a three page narrative about how Michael Dell was akin to a leviathan, but at my mother's insistence, I kept that in my own personal folder. "You never know with the Internet," she stated. Probably a fair assessment. Over the last month and a half I've renewed some of my favorite hobbies: Adobe Illustrator, reading literature, practicing spanish, performing and writing music, but none has gotten quite as much attention as to what I've given my search for the perfect VW baywindow Bus. I've searched from Tampa to Terre Haute, looking for the perfect campmobile. Largely, I think this is my defense. Its my escape plan. If the world does me wrong again, I'm out of here, AND I can live in my car, because it has a stove, refrigerator and a sink. However, a very large part of me just loves the nostalgia and practicality of the mini-home on wheels. Just now, as I was driving home from grocery shopping at Trader Joe's, I saw it. A taiga green blur streaked across my driver's side window and then it quickly made its way down a perpendicular street. My stomach dropped. Here, just miles from my home was the object of my Stimulus-Package-Era desire. It was even the Westfalia edition with pop-top and camper interior. I darted down an alleyway convinced that I would meet up with it just down the hill. It wasn't there. Maybe if I took just one more cross street I would be staring eye to eye with my destiny..but it was nowhere to be found. I had spotted the Masked Booby, the Isabela Oriole and in a blink it was gone. As Jennifer Turner once explained to me, we often start spotting things that are in the forefront of our minds. Its like they appear in places they've never appeared before, but its only our perspective that has changed. She labeled it, or maybe it was her dad, "Deja New." The explanation seemed right on. With that, I hope I start seeing both available jobs and VW buses more and more over the coming weeks.